Warning--Life Delay!

Notice: Your Life Has Been Put On Indefinite Delay

We are sorry to inform you that you are not yet ready to start living. Consequently, your life has been indefinitely delayed.
In order to begin to enjoy and experience life, you must first work out your psychological conflicts and/or effect spiritual transformation.
To prepare to begin living and end your life delay, please choose some combination of the following strategies:
1. Obtain spiritual guidance from a recognized and certified guru or heirophant. Repeat as desired.
2. Study one or more life systems or philosophies, preferably imported, the more esoteric the better.
3. Repeat your mantra as much as possible.
4. Count your breaths daily.
5. Engage a (choose one or more) psycho/transpersonal/breathwork/bodywork therapist for optimal functionality and progress.
6. Engage in (choose one) couples therapy or tantric sex workshops.
7. Ingest exotic and difficult to obtain mind-altering substances, preferably those of questionable legality with purifying/purgative side-effects.
8. Resolve all psycho-physical conflicts in your body/mind organism.
9. Have multiple blissful/energetic/oceanic experiences of a seemingly profound and transformative nature.
10. When these experiences (see #9) do not result in profound transformation, repeat all above steps until complete and permanent satisfaction is reached, or you die, whichever comes first.

We apologize for any inconvenience your life delay may cause you.