Hellbreaker Reports

Haiku Marin

2009-12-19T09:20:00.000-08:00

[We'll reopen this long dormant blog with a little poetry]

"Fair trade certified"
The label on the full can
Of cigarette butts

2006-01-24T16:55:00.000-08:00

In Memoriam
CAROLINE FRANKLYN

I've been banished to the 2nd level of hell!

2005-01-18T08:42:00.000-08:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Warm Xmas Thoughts

2004-12-26T17:27:00.000-08:00

This is from the late comic Bill Hicks (quoted in a San Francisco Chronicle review of a book of his work--Love All The People), and it reminded me of Jesus:

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly colored and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question -- 'Is this real, or is this just a ride?' And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, 'Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.' And we ... kill those people."

Divine Mother Complex

2004-11-20T11:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, for the first time in twelve years, I got hugged by Indian guru and divine mother Ammachi . Ammachi, known as “the hugging Ma” is considered by her devotees an avatar, or an incarnation of God (or, in this case, Goddess). Her primary activity is traveling the world, often giving thousands of devotees at a sitting the divine dispensation of unconditional love in the form of a deeply heartfelt and holy hug. I have literally watched her do this non-stop for hours and hours at a time, without a break, greeting and embracing each person in an endless line of people as if they were the first.

My first hug from Ammachi was such a disaster that it took me twelve years to go for another. I think after yesterday’s experience, I may wait even longer for my next hug—maybe forever.

When I first met Ammachi, it was the early 90’s. I drove out to her ashram in San Ramon, east of Oakland, California. The place looked like it had been a ranch. I arrived in time for her morning darshan (Sanskrit for “meeting God”) at the old barn where it was being held. There were about two or three hundred of us there. I must admit I was skeptical. I felt spirituality had to do with divine understanding, and could not understand what could be gained by receiving a hug—no matter how loving—without a good dose of teaching to go along with it. But although Amma did sometimes teach, the main event around her seemed to be the hug.

I got in line with a mixed crowd of folks, many of whom seemed to be suffering physically or psychologically. I guess they were in need of some divine motherly love. For my part, I was too proud to admit I might need some of the same, but always ready for a new experience, I waited patiently on the off-chance that with the hug might come some transmission of spiritual insight or bliss.

I finally reached Ma after standing in line for what may have been an hour. An usher gently pushed me forward onto my knees and into her arms. Ma is a small but round Indian woman. An Indian sari covered her ample yielding flesh. She hugged me to her bosom at first, but then did something unexpected. She placed her hands on my head and pushed my face into her lap. It felt like I was drowning between her full soft thighs, my face mostly covered by the folds of her sari. Barely able to breathe, I tried to lift my head up, but she applied more pressure, pushing me down. Finally, gasping for breath, I pushed harder against her. She then lifted my face up, holding it between her hands, looked into my eyes, and, between repetitions of the mantra “Ma, Ma, Ma”, grinned and laughed at me. This went on for only a moment before she again pushed my head down into her lap with surprising strength, for another deep dunk between her thighs. She played this game with me several times, waiting until I was gasping for breath, pushing up against her hand as hard as I could, then lifting me up and laughing in my face, with a kind of girlish—naughty girlish—charm. Finally, she laughed again and let me go. I wandered away from her chair not knowing quite what hit me.

A lot of water has gone under the bridge since that last hug from Ma. Over the years, my focus on intellectual understanding waivered. I began to wonder whether spiritual insight alone is all it’s cracked up to be. I started to feel that maybe the real secret is, as so many have taught, a heart full of love. After all, insights come and go, and different traditions use very different words and concepts. But what they all seem to point to, when all is said and done, is love. However you get there may not matter as much as whether you can find a way to embrace life, despite its inevitable pain—to love it, to love oneself and to love others.

Over the years I thought of going to see Ma again when she made her annual trips to the area where I live. Many of my friends always went, and they invariably spoke glowingly of the experience. But each time she came, I never seemed to find the time to make the hour drive to the ashram and to stand in line for what now, I heard, was often several hours, for a hug. But yesterday, I had nothing pressing at work, and it was a beautiful day for a drive to the country. Besides that, I felt called. So I took the leap and drove to Ma’s.

I arrived at an ashram much changed over the years. There were parking lots and parking attendants, and organized shuttles from the outlying lots to the main buildings. The barn had been remodeled into a simple but elegant hall. Due to the numbers of devotees, and the need for crowd control, tokens were given which determined the order of your hug. I got one in the group “1000-1100.”

I watched for hours as Ma sat royally, yet relaxed, and received one devotee after another. A tangible energy seemed to emanate from her end of the hall. I felt, at times, almost like I was watching a biblical scene. Holiness and peace pervaded the atmosphere. At times, I felt almost moved to tears, without knowing why. I watched and meditated and finally, after about four hours, it was my turn.

This time I was determined to put my natural skepticism aside. I had learned that in order to truly see the divine, you had to have faith. While discrimination is good, too much doubt clouds the vision. I decided I would open to Ma, as much as I could, as the embodiment of the divine feminine, as the embodiment of Mary, Tara, Shakti and all the other holy mothers and goddesses, as a manifestation of divine love.

Just in front of me was a mother with a three-year-old son. She placed the boy in Ma’s arms, and the child went completely limp. He laid in her arms in total relaxation, completely abandoned and surrendered. Ma herself seemed surprised. She opened her arms up and, with the boy still collapsed on her, lying utterly still, she laughed and said to us around her, “Look at this! Look! Look at this!”

Now it really was my turn. I tried to abandon myself to Ma as much as the young boy had. I collapsed into her arms. She hugged me to her. My head laid on her left breast. She leaned her head over mine, and said into my ear, loudly, “Ma, Ma, Ma” over and over again. Abandoning myself to the moment even further, I began to repeat “Ma, Ma, Ma” after her. It seemed involuntary. I was lying on her breast, repeating “Ma, Ma, Ma.” I noticed that as my mouth opened and closed to say the words, my lips were opening and closing on a wrinkle of her sari’s cloth, just over her breast, approximately where her nipple would be. I felt like a child, like a baby really, saying “Ma, Ma” and opening and closing my lips as if to suckle. Then I lifted my head, made a pranam to her, and it was over.

Like the first time, I wandered away half in a daze. At first I was happy. “That seemed to go well,” I thought. But then I began to think about what happened. Was my mouth really opening and closing on her breast as I said, “Ma, Ma” like a baby? Did anyone notice this? Did Ma notice this? Was she offended?

I had a fantasy that in the middle of my abandonment, one of the large orange-robed swamis who always seemed to be in close attendance to Ma noticed what I was doing. In my fantasy, his face darkened with outrage at what he felt was my obscene disrespect. He came over, picked me up by the scruff of the neck and—in a history-making move—had me physically ejected from Ma’s presence, to my undying shame.

How could I have let myself regress so far? Why would I do such a thing? What is wrong with me, I wondered? And I felt a bit dislocated from the event through my whole drive home, and for several hours afterwards. The spell finally broke—thank God—when my girlfriend got home from work, I told her the whole story, and we both almost collapsed on the floor with spasms of laughter at the absurdity of the whole thing.

In the end I think I’ll always be grateful to Ma for this experience. It is only due to her grace, that my career as a spiritual devotee is (I think) finally over. I don’t think I can look again to a guru for enlightenment or bliss. Ma killed that tendency with holy embarrassment and buried it with divine mirth.

Six Days In Fallujah

2004-11-13T10:05:00.000-08:00

After six days in Fallujah, it is estimated that about 1,000 insurgents have died.

One wonders how one distinguishes an insurgent from an Iraqi civilian. One wonders how many civilians have died, and why no one mentions them.

Fallujah is a city about the size of Berkeley, California. It has been besieged by about 10,000 U.S. troops for the last 6 days. Will there be anything left of Fallujah when the battle ends?

It is acknowledged that Al-Zarqawi and the other terrorist leaders who made Fallujah their base left the city before the U.S. troops got there. Where are they hiding now? What is the next city that must be destroyed in the search for them? How many cities will be destroyed like Fallujah?

Destroying a country to save it is a strange and savage strategy. How many Viet Nams and Iraqs will it take before a better way is found?

Liberty blind-folded

2004-11-13T09:54:00.000-08:00

I dreamed I saw the Statue of Liberty wearing a white blindfold. Her torch was half covered by a black shroud.

I asked the shaman what the dream meant.
He said, "This is a hard dream."

"The torch represents peace."

He did not say more. He did not have to.

More Americans are creationists than accept evolution

2004-11-09T07:31:00.000-08:00

Is it any wonder that conservative Christianity has such a strong influence in the U.S.? It's hard for some of us to fathom, but most Americans identify themselves as creationists, and reject scientific evolutionary theory. This is from a report on a 2001 Gallup poll:

Americans More Likely to Identify Themselves as Creationists Than as Evolutionists

Gallup has asked Americans several times over the last 20 years to choose between three statements that describe the origin and development of the human race. Generally speaking, the plurality of Americans have come down on the side of a creationist approach to human origins, while slightly fewer have agreed with a statement that reflects an evolutionary process guided by God, and only a small number have agreed with an evolutionary process in which God had no part.

Most recently, in Gallup’s February 19-21 poll, 45% of respondents chose "God created human beings pretty much in their present form at one time within the last 10,000 years or so," the statement that most closely describes biblical creationism. A slightly larger percentage, almost half, chose one of the two evolution-oriented statements: 37% selected "Human beings have developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life, but God guided this process" and 12% chose "Human beings have developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life, but God had no part in this process."
The public has not notably changed its opinion on this question since Gallup started asking it in 1982.

A full report on the poll can be found here.

I should know better but, even though I am interested in religion and spirituality, I continue to be shocked at the prevalence of literalistic and fundamentalistic beliefs in the U.S. The last election is certainly a wake-up call on this issue.

Is it a failure of the educational system that allows so many Americans to reject science in favor of literal biblicism? A federal trial began yesterday in Atlanta, Georgia over a school board's decision to place stickers in student's science texts, warning them that evolution is merely "a theory, not a fact" and should be "approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered." A NY Times report on the case can be found here.

In 1987, the U.S. Supreme held that requiring the teaching of creationism in public schools' science classes violates the separation of church and state. The Cobb County school board involved in the sticker case is apparently testing the limits of the earlier case, arguing that creationism isn't being taught--students are just being encouraged to be critical of the theory of evolution. But if even school board's foster doubt about evolution--the basics of which have been amply demonstrated scientifically--then is it any wonder that so many Americans reject science and hold onto outdatedly literal religio-mythical beliefs?

Dream of a talking chicken

2004-11-08T18:20:00.000-08:00

I dreamed that my friend and I were hungry. We were served a whole chicken for dinner. My friend tried to cut it with no success. It seemed that the knife was dull or the chicken was tough. Suddenly, the chicken turned into a woman. She moaned, and, half unconscious, said to my friend, "Why are you cutting me?" My friend dropped his knife. We carried the woman to a couch to recover. I turned to my friend and said, "Let's get outta here and go get some brown rice and tofu."

Speaking Of Morals--A Poem by Stanley Arcieri

2004-11-07T10:20:00.000-08:00

(Note: I received this very apropos poem from a friend today via e-mail. Thanks, Stanley)

Dear young people, soldiers,
pulled into the morass of Iraq
should not die
to prove that Bush's Iraq war
is just and right
nor to prove
it is wrong.

Their one-shot unique lives
are precious
beyond all measuring.
Wars of choice, not necessity,
are immoral.

Speaking of morals.

Democratic morals from Michael Lerner

2004-11-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

Today's San Francisco Chronicle has an interesting article about an alternative morality to inform our politics, by Rabbi Michael Lerner of Tikkun Magazine .
Lerner argues that religous or spiritual values can equally--or more strongly--support a liberal and compassionate political agenda, instead of that of the conservative religious right.
How about "Feed the poor; clothe the naked; shelter the homeless" ??? Where'd that get lost in the politics of the Christian right?

The article can be found here. Excerpts are reproduced below:

Imagine a party line of awe and wonder
Democrats losing voters betrayed by materialism - Michael Lerner
Sunday, November 7, 2004

For years the Democrats have been telling themselves, "It's the economy, stupid." Yet for years, millions of middle-income Americans have voted against their economic interests to support Republicans who tap a deeper set of needs.

Tens of millions of Americans feel betrayed by a society that seems to place materialism and selfishness above moral values. They know that looking out for No. 1 has become the accepted wisdom of our society, but they want a life that involves more -- a framework of meaning and purpose that would transcend the grasping and narcissism that surrounds them. Many of these voters have found this "politics of meaning" in the right. In the right-wing churches and synagogues, these voters are presented with a coherent world view that speaks to their needs. ....

Imagine if John Kerry had been able to counter George Bush by insisting that a serious religious person would never turn his back on the suffering of the poor, that the Bible's injunction to love one's neighbor required us to provide health care for all, and that the New Testament's command to "turn the other cheek" should give us a predisposition against responding to violence with violence.

Imagine a Democratic Party that could talk of a New Bottom Line, so that American institutions are judged to be efficient and productive not only to the extent that they increase financial performance, but also to the extent that they increase people's capacities to be loving and caring, ethically and ecologically sensitive, and capable of responding to the universe with awe and wonder.

Imagine a Democratic Party that could call for schools to teach gratitude, generosity, caring for others and celebration of the wonders that daily surround us. If the Democrats were to foster a religious or spiritual left, they would no longer pick candidates who support pre-emptive wars or who appease corporate power. They would reject the cynical realism that led them to pretend to be born-again militarists. Instead of assuming that most Americans are either stupid or reactionary, a religious left would understand that many Americans on the right share the same concern for a world based on love and generosity that underlies progressive politics.

Religion is theft

2004-11-06T11:05:00.000-08:00

Influential French anarchist Pierre-Joseph Proudhon said, "Property is theft." On an absolute level, I tend to agree. Except perhaps for the Creator, none of us can claim ownership over anything on earth more than anyone else. Everything we have is a gift. Everything we possess is just a loan.
In the same way that all the natural resources we need to survive are a gift of the earth, we are each given a direct connection to a well-spring of spiritual truth and experience. If we want to, we can each connect with this lifespring for ourselves. No church, doctrine, priest or guru can be said to own spirituality. So, to paraphrase Proudhon, "Religion is theft."

The dream of the Rat

2004-11-06T10:40:00.000-08:00

I dreamed I saw a rat. I remembered a shaman told me that if I ever dream or have a vision of an animal, I should pay close attention. If I can, I should ask the animal what it has to teach me.
I looked at the rat and he looked up at me. I asked the rat, "What do you have to teach me?"
The rat gave me a whiskery smile. Out of the side of his mouth he said, "Why do you hate me?"
I told him, "I hate you because at night you come into the crawl space of my house and make noise in the walls. The sound of your chewing keeps me up all night, and I cannot get any rest."
The next day I told the shaman my dream. He said, "Your dream is an important one. It has something to teach you.
"The animals only disturb us because we disturb them. We have so much and they have so little.
"This is like the rich people and the poor, the wealthy nations and the impoverished nations. The poor people's hunger and their efforts to get more disturbs the wealthy's peace, and the wealthy hate them for it.
"You should share what you have learned from this dream."

Is it "moral" to suppress science and melt the icecaps? Bush thinks so.

2004-11-05T08:57:00.000-08:00

From the Washington Post:

U.S. Wants No Warming Proposal
Administration Aims to Prevent Arctic Council Suggestions
By Juliet Eilperin
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, November 4, 2004; Page A13

The Bush administration has been working for months to keep an upcoming eight-nation report from endorsing broad policies aimed at curbing global warming, according to domestic and foreign participants, despite the group's conclusion that Arctic latitudes are facing historic increases in temperature, glacial melting and abrupt weather changes.

State Department representatives have argued that the group, which has spent four years examining Arctic climate fluctuations, lacks the evidence to prepare detailed policy proposals. But several participants in the negotiations, all of whom requested anonymity for fear of derailing the Nov. 24 report, said officials from the eight nations and six indigenous tribes involved in the effort had ample science on which to draft policy.

The recommendations are based on a study, which was leaked last week, that concludes the Arctic is warming much faster than other areas of the world and that much of this change is linked to human-generated greenhouse gas emissions. The Arctic Climate Impact Assessment -- produced by a council of nations with Arctic territory that includes the United States, Canada, Russia and several Nordic countries -- reflects the work of more than 300 scientists.

Several individuals close to the negotiations said the Bush administration -- which opposes mandatory cuts in carbon emissions on the grounds that they will cost American jobs -- had repeatedly resisted even mild language that would endorse the report's scientific findings or call for mandatory curbs on greenhouse gas emissions.

An early draft of the policy statement -- which is set to be issued two weeks after the 144-page scientific overview is released Monday -- included a paragraph saying that to achieve the goals set under a 1992 international climate change treaty known as the Rio Accord, the "Arctic Council urges the member states to individually and when appropriate, jointly, adopt climate change strategies across relevant sectors. These strategies should aim at the reduction of the emission of greenhouse gases."

The administration has pushed to drop that section. As one senior State Department official who asked not to be identified put it, "We're bound by the administration's position. We're not going to make global climate policy at the Arctic Council."

The World Wildlife Fund's Arctic Program director Samantha Smith said the council's scientific conclusions, which said temperature increases in some parts of the Arctic increased tenfold compared with the last century's worldwide average rise of 1 degree Fahrenheit, justified immediate action.

"This is the first full-scale assessment of climate change in the Arctic and it shows dramatic changes in the region, with worse to come if we don't cut emissions," said Smith, an observer at the negotiations. "We challenge the Arctic governments to come up with a real response to the science, before the foreign ministers meet in Iceland in November."

Administration officials said they are hesitant to endorse policy recommendations before examining the full 1,200-page scientific report on the Arctic.

Hail Pacifica!

2004-11-05T08:51:00.000-08:00

In another world, in a parallel universe, I could imagine the northeast and the west coast seceding from the union. Northeastica and Pacifica--that's where almost all the U.S.'s wealth, creativity and good food is anyway. Leave the Bush-loving red state rubes to their own devices, their repressed homosexuality, their heathen gods of flag, football, McDonalds, Walmart and America uber alles.

Planning for the next regime change

2004-11-04T09:58:00.000-08:00

There is a lot of soul-searching going on about what went wrong with the last election. How could the Bush-league Butcher steal it again?
The scary thing is the degree of disconnect between those of us who found voting for such an inarticulate, dangerously adolescent, intellect- and curiosity-stunted xenophobe incomprehensible--and the majority of Americans who seem to mainly react to the push-button "moral" issues of the Christian right.
So, now whattawedo?
Salon magazine has some interesting opinions on this subject here.
My two cents:
1. Don't hold back and don't be too polite
I don't think there has been such a collision of world-views in this country since the 60's and early 70's. Then it was "freaks vs. straights." Today, it is the Christian right vs. a much more amorphous collection of liberal, progressive, humanist, libertarian (and more) viewpoints. What is our common thread? This can be hard to find, and that difficulty makes it hard to have a unified impact. But there are certain things we have in common, I think-- a love for freedom, tolerance, diversity, and a strong commitment to the separation of church and state. We need to talk up these values without reservation. We shouldn't hold back. We need to show that our morality is higher than dogma. We have to be outspoken about it. Forget centrism. The sea change brought about by the 60's (civil rights, women's rights, gay rights, spiritual diversity, consciousness exploration and expansion, tolerance for non-conformity, etc. etc.) didn't come from being polite. We need to speak out and tell the truth with some degree of immoderation.
2. Be patiently impatient
Tell someone some truth every day. The change of people's hearts is the change that matters. Be willing to effect change one person at a time.

A new look

2004-11-04T09:47:00.000-08:00

Yes, folks, we have a new, simplified, streamlined look. More importantly, this dormant blog is about to re-awaken itself, and (I hope) you, too.

Open Letter Regarding Andrew Cohen

2004-01-16T10:20:00.000-08:00

[Note: I was a student of spiritual teacher Andrew Cohen from 1990 to 1997. This is a letter I wrote today to a seeker who spoke with me because he was both attracted to Andrew and concerned about things he had heard and read about him. See the link to Enlightenment Blues, on your right---> ]

Hi ______,

Once again I found it interesting, enjoyable and challenging speaking with you last night. I am happy to discuss these things with you any time.

I am intrigued by the question of what went wrong with Andrew and his realization. I think so much is contained in that. Not being self-realized myself, I find it difficult to say with certainty. But I think there are enough pointers I have heard that correlate with my experience with Andrew.

As I mentioned last night, I recall hearing from Andrew and Jerry, an old friend of mine who was a former student of Sasaki Roshi's, and later a student of Andrew's, about Andrew and Sasaki Roshi's meeting. The story is recounted in a very early edition of What Is Enlightenment magazine, Jan. 1993, vol.2, issue 1: "Death of a Zen Student." I just looked it up. Sasaki repeatedly stressed the centrality of love to Andrew. What struck me most from their meeting was how Sasaki cautioned Andrew to not be too "flurried" in his passion. He is quoted, "Some will agree with you, some will not. All are your friends."

I was with Andrew when he met (not for the first time) with the great Tibetan lama Chatrul Rinpoche, near Kathmandu. I think it was 1993. Chatrul kept saying over and over that you must have compassion; there are as many gates to the dharma as there are individuals; there is no one right way for everyone. Andrew did not seem to get the relevance of all of this to their meeting, and could not understand why Chatrul kept repeating this.

Both of these teachers were pointing early on to something in Andrew that has manifested in increasingly more disturbing ways over the years. Andrew has absolutized his own understanding, and his own teaching, believing it is the one true way for this time and for everyone. Anyone who disagrees with him he sees as weak, an enemy, a defector, or all three. Everything is black or white for him. In an attempt to bring the absolute into manifestation, he has absolutized the relative. As you said last night, he has lost touch with the innate perfection of being, and for that reason becomes "overwrought" at the imperfection he perceives in others. By doing so, he has lost touch with real love. And this explains why he feels justified in using extreme measures such as insult, humiliation, verbal abuse and worse to try to effect change in his students.

In the Dhammapada, Buddha is quoted as saying:
" 'He insulted me, he beat me; he threw me down and robbed me.' Put away such thoughts and hatred will never arise.
For in this world, hate never yet has dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate. This law is ancient and will last forever."

Jesus said, "Resist not evil." Advaita teachers point to the unreality of maya and the importance of staying in the absolute perspective that is love. For this reason they go so far as to say there is no good and bad, etc. This is not to advocate unethical conduct or foster the "advaita shuffle", although such teachings have been misused that way. Rather, I think that such teachers realize that it is only from a deep knowing of the beauty and perfection of being, and its intrinsic nature as love, that proper conduct comes. So the emphasis of Ramana, Nisargadatta, and all the other advaita greats is on staying in the proper perspective and then acting from that living understanding.

Of course, Andrew claims to be doing this. What appears to be anger, guilt-tripping and punitive conduct is, he would say, really just the manifestation of his love and passion for evolution. But how is saying that any different from the "advaita shuffle" that he so vocally criticizes?

I applaud your investigation and willingness to speak with people who spent a long time with Andrew. While you may wish to take Andrew up on his offer to speak to some who are still with him, I would caution you to consider this: every word they say to you and every word you say back will be reported to Andrew; and they will be subject to severe censure for anything they say that Andrew disagrees with. This is just the nature of the situation they are in. I know, I was there. Needless to say, such circumstances don't encourage honesty and forthrightness. But even if those who say their heroic suffering was all worthwhile honestly believe it, it doesn't make it so. As far as I know, not one of them is permitted to make their own decisions about important matters in their life, without receiving permission from Andrew. Not one of them have become truly independent and free.

One personally gratifying thing that I've learned from my conversations with you is that I have little personal animosity for Andrew left at this point. I actually appreciate much of my time with him, and in many ways respect his efforts and his intentions. I do vividly recall the oppressiveness and the complete loss of personal autonomy on every level in his community that eventually caused me to leave. But I also remember many good times. Most of all, I think we--myself, Andrew and the others in the community--gave all we were capable of giving in an idealistic effort to create an enlightened society as an exemplar for the creation of an enlightened world. What more noble thing can one try to do? I don't regret a minute of it. And, strange as it might seem in light of things I've said to you, personally, I somehow still find myself fond of Andrew.

But I think things have gone seriously awry. Like living in a dysfunctional family, my own experience of this awryness was in some ways subtle, yet powerful and pervasive. It has taken years to come to the point where I can see both the good and the bad of the experience. Most people who leave find it takes years to extricate themselves from the pain, misgivings, personal self-condemnation and doubt, anger at Andrew and the community, a sense of betrayal and hopelessness, and the fear of opening their heart spiritually to another teacher. Some, I'm afraid, may never get over it. Almost no one wants to even talk about the experience at all for months or even for a year or longer after leaving. For example, ________, who you've heard left about 6 months ago, is still completely unwilling to speak with anyone about it. That alone should tell you something.

I don't blame Andrew for all of this. I think we all play a part in the creation of the painful mix of enlightenment and insanity, of hope and fear, of bondage and ecstasy that he and his community embody. What I mean to say is that Andrew is not the first and won't be the last to lead folks down this road. The forces at play are much bigger than any one individual. We are all subject to such forces--manifesting in ultimately misguided utopian dreams taking religious, political, social, and even romantic forms. We each will probably continue to be subject to such delusions--or to a cynical disillusion that may be just as bad, if not worse--until we take complete responsibility for our own awakening, our own perfection, our own being as love.

That's a lot to ask and few seem able to do it. I'm struggling with it day and night. But one thing I learned from my years with Andrew for which I'm forever grateful is that it will never occur through forcefully trying to erase oneself--through self-annihilation and destruction of one's ego--by submission to another, to a group, or to an ideal, no matter how noble that other, group or ideal might seem. It has to come from within oneself, and by oneself. A teacher might point the way or provide an example. But you can't replicate another's journey. As my teacher Ranjit Maharaj used to say, "The Master can only give you the address. You have to go there yourself." Or, as UG Krishnamurti, another friend I made post-Andrew, says: "Why would you want to be a cheap imitation of Jesus or Buddha, when you can be perfectly yourself?"

I wish you luck with this endeavor. I'm impressed by your courage and your insight and think you'll succeed. If you need to spend a few years in Andrew's spiritual "boot-camp", so be it. But I hope you find a more direct and less painful way. I really don't think false heroism is required.

Here's the Rumi quote I promised you:

"All theologies are like straws His Sun burns to dust
Knowing takes you to the threshold, but not through the Door
Nothing can teach you if you don't unlearn everything
How learned I was, before Revelation made me dumb."
(From Andrew Harvey, Light Upon Light: Inspirations from Rumi)

What a great reminder that every teaching, no matter how seemingly profound and beautiful, has to ultimately be forsaken.

Warm regards,
laffnowl

Relaxing Into The Divine

2004-01-09T16:53:00.000-08:00

From an article on Sufism, in the latest edition of Parabola:

"The more frustration and failure we feel, the more powerful the nafs [ego] becomes. Since the ego has access to the unconscious, its ability to create frustrations and failures is endless and inventive. Nafs thrives on anything that prevents the seeker from relaxing into an experience of the Divine, which is equivalent to destruction of the nafs. As a result, the nafs prefers to keep us in a state of disorientation, which it easily choreographs with the help of unconsciousness. Rumi explains:
Something that doesn't exist makes a phantom
Appear in the darkness of a well,
And the phantom itself becomes strong enough,
To throw actual lions into the hole."
---"Real Miracles," Anna Kilmer, Parabola, Winter 2003

To counter the "naf's" nefarious ways, the Tantric Buddhists give the initiate abhishekha, modeled on the anointing and empowerment of a king. You are "enthroned" as a Buddha, a divine being, so you can finally relax as you are.

My late beloved advaita teacher, Ranjit Maharaj, simply told us over and over, every chance he got: "Everything is an illusion. You are HE!"

Belated Log Of NYE Excitement

2004-01-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to you!
S. and I had a very exciting New Year. We planned to go to an all-night San Francisco Burning Man psychedelic costume-party rave, so we got our costumes ready. I was going to be an angel with devil horns. S. was a strange butterfly (I think). But first we went out to dinner at a new little local trattoria. The place was empty, but the pasta was so good. After dinner it was very cold and rainy so we decided to go home and turn up the heat. An HBO special of Eddie Izzard was on--very funny transvestite English comedian (aren't they all?) I fell asleep a little before midnight. S. said that at midnight a neighbor set off some really loud fireworks and I just snored.
Getting old but I don't mind....

Love Song (After Candice)

2004-01-05T10:04:00.000-08:00

Do you have the courage to say I love you?
To say I love you to everything?
For when you say I love you to everything,
You say I love you to yourself.
To say I love you is a natural movement,
A natural movement of the soul.
It’s the heart’s desire to say I love you
And to always be loved by all.
Why is this? You may ask
And I’m going to answer you.
The soul’s own nature is truly love
And love is its all in all.
It’s only love that drives it on
It’s only love that moves it at all.
Like a fern uncurls or a bud blossoms forth
Or a compass needle points due north.
I can hear your objections
I hear your doubts.
They’re not different from mine at all.
How can love be everything,
In a world that looks like after the fall?
Looks are deceiving, illusion is strong
But they don’t amount to anything.
When the matter is looked at all full on
Doubt disappears and the heart will sing.
Like dew vaporizing in the morning sun,
Like frost melting when daylight comes.
Nothing exists except undying love
Which is all that you're made of.
Take a chance, tell yourself you’re free,
Dance into eternity.
Nothing to lose but your suffering,
Your suffering that doesn’t mean a thing.
Even pain is undying love
When you have the vision I’m speaking of.
When you dare to say I love you,
You’ll see so clearly what I’m pointing to.
It’s so easy, it’s not hard,
You need not be a saint or a bard,
To lose your armor, and leave the past behind,
Forget the future and release your mind.
It’s amazing what love can do,
Because it’s your true nature,
And that means you.

Xmas lights, Xmas thoughts

2003-12-25T09:57:00.000-08:00

It's December, and as I was walking up the hill toward my house my eye was caught by the xmas lights strung above the porch of my neighbors. And I thought isn’t it interesting how here as we approach the darkest time of the year we invoke light by festooning our houses and our trees with electric lights of color. As if we feel the need unconsciously to fight off the coming of the dark by generating our own light, and to ward off the coming of death, the death of the land, of the deciduous trees and plants, and the coldness of the dormant earth, by generating our own warmth and color and light and life.

And then seeing these simple homely xmas lights of my neighbors I felt that in fact the light that we are seeking, whose withdrawal we are countering with our little winter ritual, in fact comes from within us, within each of us as individuals, which is to say as distinct walking talking embodied nervous systems lit up with our own neural energy of sight and sense and thought.

We are the bringers of the light, not needing it from any source outside of us, it is we who bring it into the world and in some way it is our own inner light, and not some external source of illumination, that informs and reveals the entire panapoly of sense perceptions, the erotic and erratically unfathomable play of the world.

There is some idea like this in Indian cosmology and philosophy and physiology (which are only different sides of the same immense way of thought), that says that indriya, which is at the same time fire and light and our sense of sight, comes from within us, and it is our own fire essence that illuminates the world, allowing us to see. And in fact without our own inner fire, the sun itself would have no warmth or light for us.

So then I saw that our very nature is light and I thanked my senses and the whole world of sensory experience—for once, at least for one brief moment, not guarding myself against its vagaries and capacity to entrap and delude— but thanking my lucky stars that even in what seems to be darkness there is light and that that light is the energy of life that is always with us and always within us, and that we, each of us, bring it, like Prometheus bringing fire, to this world.

Merry Xmas!

Sayings Of Swami Silinanda

2003-12-25T09:45:00.000-08:00

Through the grace of my guru, I discovered the path of forgetting: the maha-senileyana. Slowly, slowly, I am learning to forget everything. I am always trying to remember to forget. When I finally have forgotten even my own name and form, I will be home--but I won't recall the address.

When I met my guru, he gave me the divine mantra: "Om Tat What?" Drowning in the ceaseless river of holy repetition (japa), I have forgotten how to swim and left my bathing suit and sun tan lotion in the trunk of my car. I cannot even retrieve them anymore, for now I have also lost the keys.

Who is it that seeks divine forgetfulness? Who is asking? No thank you, I gave at the office.

"When you get to the bottom you go back to the top of the slide then you turn then you go for a ride." Who said that, what does it mean, and how does the rest of it go?

A Review Of "Enlightenment Blues" by Andre van der Braak

2003-12-25T08:45:00.000-08:00

A reader's review I wrote on Amazon.com of Andre van der Braak's new book, "Enlightenment Blues," a memoir of his years with an American guru. Highly recommended! Enlightenment Blues by Andre van der Braak

One of the most dangerous trends in modern spirituality is the misguided submission to a supposedly enlightened authority's use and abuse, in the belief that this serves one's spiritual progress. This has been documented before but not by a long-term and intimate insider with the sensitivity, thoughtfulness and laudable balance of "Enlightenment Blues," a moving memoir of the author's years with American guru Andrew Cohen. The book is far from a stereotypical expose of a cult leader. If that was its intent, the author could have made hay of far worse documented examples of abuse of power than he experienced, which have occurred in the years since he left Cohen. (This reviewer, another disenchanted former student of Cohen's, has read and heard from other "survivors" more recent stories of levels of weirdness and cruelty far surpassing anything recounted in "Enlightenment Blues.") Instead, the author shows both the promise and the problems (both subtle and gross) of such a spiritual community, making it understandable how intelligent folks can be seduced to give their autonomy away in a harmful manner. What is more, the author, with heart-rending honesty and vulnerability, does not hide his own shortcomings and moments of weakness. Of course, some folks, like an earlier reviewer here, will always try to justify even the worst teachers with comparisons to legendary "tough love" givers like the 11th century Tibetan master Marpa the Translator. (Andrew Cohen has used this self-serving comparison about himself many times, and the earlier reviewer and former student here has apparently bought into it). But comparing Andrew Cohen to Marpa is like comparing George Bush to George Washington. Marpa's apparent cruelty to Milarepa was justified, in hindsight, by its result--Milarepa became one of the great saints of Tibet. Andrew has yet to produce anyone who can stand on his own as a teacher, far less an enlightened saint. Marpa's treatment of Milarepa was unique, and based on the fact that Milarepa had murdered scores of people before coming to Marpa. Andrew humiliates his students across the board for the slightest perceived transgressions. Finally, Marpa's tough treatment of Milarepa ended once he proved himself and was initiated into the teachings. Andrew's destructive wielding of power only really begins-and steadily worsens-once the student is firmly ensconced in the group. Teachers like Cohen (and their students), who attempt to justify their misdeeds by misleading comparisons to great teachers of the past, rely on seekers' superficial knowledge and grasp of religious history and dynamics. Anyone who reads Van der Braak's book stands to be inoculated against such error, both with regard to Cohen and to other self-appointed saviors.

No Things But In God

2003-12-24T12:49:00.000-08:00

A great poet once said,
"No poetry but in things."
And I agreed,
But now I contradict myself.
And his words I purposely misread.
I want him to say,
“There is no God but in things.”
In mountains skipping.
In rivers raising.
In moon, sun and stars set in their places.
In moon, sun and stars vanishing without traces.
All are God’s faces.
No God but in things and
No things but in God,
Is what I want him to mean instead.

Poem For Snoozing Sage Woman

2003-12-24T12:06:00.000-08:00

Whenever at night
I read you words of the Ancient Sage
You immediately fall asleep.

Chuang Tzu's words soar.
And you snore.

This used to bother me terribly.
Now I see it as the spontaneous unfolding
Of the Tao.
Tao into Tao—What mysterious virtue!
While the Sage instructs,
You dream without effort,
That you are a butterfly
Dreaming she is you.

For The Ginz Soon After His Demise

2003-12-24T11:46:00.000-08:00

One more oldie, written shortly after Allen Ginsberg's death:

4/19/97 4:03 PM

FOR THE GINZ

You’ve been dead 2 weeks.
Tomorrow I’m taking my friend to your memorial.
She’s young and doesn’t know your poetry, didn’t know you.
I dug out Howl from the bookshelf
(those City Light pamphlets can get lost among the hardbacks)
And tried to rehearse a few poems to read to her later
So she’d have some feeling for who you were.
But every time I got two lines in—
Even in a funny one like America—
(didn’t even try sad heart-broke Sunflower Sutra)
My voice began to warble and I started to cry.

I saw you many times with crazy Trungpa.
Once I escorted you into a private interview with him.
You probably wouldn’t remember.
He and Corso called you “the Ginz”
After Trungpa died I thanked you,
Dharma brother,
For introducing me to Buddhism when I was adolescent,
You and Jack,
Through your books.
You were sweet and humble and said “That was our intent.”
A couple of years ago we spoke on the phone about enlightenment,
And you wondered out loud if anyone really was.
That made me sad.

But those peyote solidities you pointed out to me
Your top-hat poster in the 60’s
Williams, Blake and Whitman you taught me at Naropa
(I still have an edition of collected Whitman you signed, after all these years)
Strange now to think of you
In Amitabha’s Western Paradise!

About Prayer (for R. Yolles)

2003-12-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

OK. Now that old business is out of the way--almost. Here's something I wrote for a friend who's a Rebbe:

"Prayer is a special feeling"
He once said to me.
But it took me years to see.
A special feeling,
Where want is need,
Then need is yearning,
Yearning desire
Desire is love
Love surrender
Surrender peace
Peace is all
And all and all and all
And all.

Hellbreaker Exclusive!! ---Enlightenment Is Dead!

2003-12-13T11:26:00.000-08:00

Spiritual Enlightenment is dead. Haven’t you heard? It had a long life but it finally expired, leaving us a bit sad but mightily unburdened.

Enlightenment lived a long time. We are not sure just how long. Sources say it was born in the East somewhere around the time of Buddha or the Upanishads, some 2500 to 3000 years ago. When that other enlightenment—the one of Locke, Descartes and Newton—finally kicked the bucket in the 20th century (at only several hundred years of age), the old Enlightenment, our recently expired friend, waited respectfully for a short period of mourning, and then moved in to fill the gap.

Some mourn Enlightenment’s passing, but let’s face it. Enlightenment was in bad health for a long time. Finding itself defenseless and weakened by illness and disappointment, pretenders, toadies and sycophants misused it. Everyone dropped its name to buy themselves influence and fame. Some claimed they were its only friends, even though Enlightenment didn’t know them. They wrote bad checks on Enlightenment’s account, and enlightenment got a reputation it could never live down.

When Enlightenment withdrew, so that no one could find it, many produced an imposter and called it by the same name. When they would sit in front of the hopeful and talk about it, some would say Enlightenment was there. They would see a radiance and feel a presence, not knowing that that was not Enlightenment, but only the reflection of their own desire and expectation. Some would even say that the reflection of one’s own desire is Enlightenment, but Enlightenment would have none of it, and made itself scarce from such domains. When the radiance and the feeling would subside, folks would try to explain this in creative ways, but no one could really come up with an answer as to how Enlightenment, once there, could just disappear without a trace.

When Enlightenment heard of such goings on it just got sicker. Beset with a bad cough, misused, abandoned, misunderstood, and alone in its rented room, Enlightenment finally gave up the ghost. How sad.

Or is it sad? Enlightenment was a bit of a burden, after all. Fickle, promiscuous, yet haughty, you never knew who it would bestow its favors on. Some who worked so hard to be loved by it never had a visit. Others, who seemed as though they couldn’t care less, won its devotion. What kind of friend is that?

In the end we all felt that nothing we could do was good enough. Despite our best efforts, Enlightenment never came calling. We looked everywhere, but Enlightenment hid its face. We grew bored and listless with life as it was, yet our hope for Enlightenment was never fulfilled. We thought we saw it, but it was just a mirage. We came to suspect Enlightenment was a phony. Enlightenment was playing games with us! The game wasn’t fun. It spoiled our appetites and disturbed our sleep. If you ask me, Enlightenment got what it deserved, and we’re better off without it!

When God died, it took awhile for most folks to realize. He was absent so much of the time that his death almost went unnoticed. Our friend Nietzsche had the good taste to let us in on God’s demise, and to suggest that not only might this not be a cause for grief, but it should be an occasion for joy. With God dead, Life could live, unburdened by something that worried and detested it. But then Enlightenment came over, and, filling God’s shoes, gave Life a good kick! Now that Enlightenment has finally kicked its last and kicked the bucket, Life can breathe freely again.

Let’s not mourn Enlightenment’s passing, after all. Let us instead have a wake, with drink and dance, and song, and a jolly good time!

Warning--Life Delay!

2003-12-13T09:30:00.000-08:00

Notice: Your Life Has Been Put On Indefinite Delay

We are sorry to inform you that you are not yet ready to start living. Consequently, your life has been indefinitely delayed.
In order to begin to enjoy and experience life, you must first work out your psychological conflicts and/or effect spiritual transformation.
To prepare to begin living and end your life delay, please choose some combination of the following strategies:
1. Obtain spiritual guidance from a recognized and certified guru or heirophant. Repeat as desired.
2. Study one or more life systems or philosophies, preferably imported, the more esoteric the better.
3. Repeat your mantra as much as possible.
4. Count your breaths daily.
5. Engage a (choose one or more) psycho/transpersonal/breathwork/bodywork therapist for optimal functionality and progress.
6. Engage in (choose one) couples therapy or tantric sex workshops.
7. Ingest exotic and difficult to obtain mind-altering substances, preferably those of questionable legality with purifying/purgative side-effects.
8. Resolve all psycho-physical conflicts in your body/mind organism.
9. Have multiple blissful/energetic/oceanic experiences of a seemingly profound and transformative nature.
10. When these experiences (see #9) do not result in profound transformation, repeat all above steps until complete and permanent satisfaction is reached, or you die, whichever comes first.

We apologize for any inconvenience your life delay may cause you.

Hello! I love ya!

2003-12-13T08:45:00.000-08:00

Do YOU want to break out of the hell of consumerism, materialism, unconsciousness and mass myopia? Stay tuned for tips on freeing your soul, loving your life, and BEING WHO YOU ARE on Hellbreaker Reports. No money down, just your attention please.